Tuesday, July 29, 2008

A Wife's Guide to Fantasy Football

In the crisp autumn weather, like warewolves waiting for a full moon, our husbands, boyfriends, fathers, and fiances morph before our very eyes into a repulsively strange creature. This "man-imal" is as passionate as the vampire, as focused as the ninja, and as obsessed as the paparazzi in LA. What could make our loved ones turn into crazy madmen? What could dictate their every move? What could disable them to the point of complete and utter paralysis for hours on end?

The answer is Football.

And girls, I am here to offer help. I can help you break into the prison that is Fantasy Football so you can take your man back out to freedom with you. Yes there are risks involved but believe me it is sooo worth it. Do you love your husband? Do you want to spend time with your boyfriend? Do you get confused by the terms "mock draft", "key fantasy positions" and "roster management"? If you answered yes to these questions - Then this post is for you.

I have wandered into the depths of their lair, fought with the enemy and won. If that doesn't equip me to share with you some secrets, then I don't know what can.

So let me begin by saying that Fantasy Football Frenzy (3F) is a disease and those that have contracted it shouldn't be judged unfairly. It wasn't their fault - in fact, you should probably blame their friends.


Fantasy Football is the brainchild of the men that scream at the TV pretending that they are in some way changing the course of the game. It is a season long competition for men to get together with other men (online or in real life) so they can pretend they are NFL owners, coaches and expert gamblers.



This is what happens. A group of friends gets together, chooses the order of picking, and then picks ACTUAL NFL players until they have a complete FANTASY team. During the ACTUAL NFL season, the REAL TEAMS face each other and each REAL player accrues points according to the FANTASY rules. The friends can trade players amongst themselves during the football season. Whoever has the most points at the end of the football season - wins the honor of rubbing it in all year long.

Example: John Doe plays football for Chicago Bears. Your husband picks John Doe to be on his fantasy team. When the Chicago plays Detroit, John runs for 150 yards. On the fantasy website it calculates points for John's yards. Your husband is thrilled. He made a good pick and those points accumulate toward this Fantasy point total. Also now your husband can tell his buddies that they suck.


This method gives each Fantasy team owner (that's your husband) a bunch of fantasy money. Each NFL player 'costs' a certain amount. The team owner can allocate his money to get his best team. Each week the team owner can sell the players he thinks will have a crappy week, pick up players who he predicts will have a great game or change his team how he sees fit. Same points system applies as with draft fantasy football.

OK - NOW here is how to manage this obsession.

  1. GET INVOLVED. Host a party...a live draft party that is. 3F is easily contained by YOU being involved. So go make cakes shaped like footballs, have some brats and dogs waiting, and be interested in what is going on.

  2. MARK IT DOWN. Find out the important games. 3F is not hard to swallow when you know what is coming. Since your loved one HAS to watch certain games, find out ahead of time which nights, which games, and mark them as football fun nights. Make sure a limit is set - with 32 NFL teams each playing 16 games in a season - you do the math. Basically just make sure you don't loose your spouse to 3F. Too many to choose? Get together with another fantasy widow and plan a sneak attack or just catch a movie :)

  3. TRADE OFF TO WIN. Girls - fantasy football is all about the competition. So make it one. Use the fact that your husband became a couch blob for four hours to come up with a trade off. You maybe get to dump the kids on him for four hours on Saturday afternoon. Or maybe for every game he watches, he has to iron a load of laundry or spend an equal amount at the gym. Either way, it all of a sudden becomes a very productive game. Heck you might even ask for him to watch all the games!

  4. JOIN EM. Can't beat em? Well, strap on the cleats cause you also can join a league (even your hubbies if he lets ya!). Not only will you learn a thing or two about the great game of football but you can possibly win the braggin rights of a lifetime. And don't worry about your picks - even a dummy could do it. Ultimately, catching a little 3F is the only way into your man's pigskin heart

Have any other suggestions? I would love to hear them...afterall, it is still preseason!


Freckles Chick said...

OMG, I love you for posting this!! Every fall I become a "Fantasy Football Widow". It's like the Hubs hibernates until Feb.!
Now at least I can understand and put up w/ what he's talking about without copious amounts of wine =)

Emily said...

I've tried number 4 and failed miserably. I should have started with 1 - 3. You are so funny - love this post, if I were the type to put things on my refrigerator, this would be there.

PS - I tagged you, if you want to play along.

G+D said...

LOL, too funny! Sending this to G right this very moment...